{With my dad on my wedding day}
It’s been two years, five weeks, and two days since I lost my
father to suicide. As each day passes, it
doesn't get any easier to comprehend. How
could this happen in my family? My dad
was such a happy man, or so I thought? Losing
a loved one is hard, especially when it happens unexpectedly. But when
you lose someone to suicide, not only are you sad, but you have a thousand
emotions running through your head. One
minute you’re heartbroken and in disbelief, the next you’re angry. How could he do this, and just leave like that? The next you’re confused, then you become sad
for him, then sad for yourself, and the cycle repeats. You don’t know how to feel. Didn't he love me enough to stay around? Didn't he want to meet his grand kids? Should I have called more? If I had told him just one more time that I loved him, would it have made a difference? It will never get easier to believe that he
took his own life. It does, however, get
easier to talk about.
When I first got the call that my father had committed
suicide, I was in disbelief. It still
is hard to process today. When I told
people that my father had passed away, besides my closest friends, I didn't
share the fact that it was a suicide. If
people asked, I just told them he was sick (which wasn't a total lie, as people
who commit suicide are sick with a depression or a pain they believe will never go away).
I didn't tell them because I was so confused. How do you explain something to someone when
you don’t understand yourself? I also
did not want those who had never met my father to judge him, because that’s what
I did. I judged people who committed suicide,
as selfish and unstable. And I will admit, for a while I thought my Dad was
selfish and took the easy way out. But
the fact of the matter is that anyone who can take their life like that, is indeed sick. They have a depression or some illness that eats at
them every day, which makes it unbearable for them to live, even to the point they
think others will be better off without them.
It took me a while to understand this.
It was really the passing of Robin Williams recently, which opened up discussions
about suicide that made me listen, and understand to some extent, the illness that someone has who is suicidal.
Talking about it has finally helped me start to heal.
Seeing how being open about my family’s tragedy has helped,
I realized that suicide is something that needs to be talked about. I didn't talk about it for two years, and I held in
all of my emotions. I let the hurt, the
anger, the confusion, and the sadness eat at me for too long. I started blogging which became an escape for
me, but it wasn't enough. I needed to
talk about it. Now, I am asking for you
to do the same.
While I took to blogging to heal, my sister, Liza, took to running,
and she is now running in the 2015 Boston Marathon to raise money for the American
Foundation of Suicide Prevention (AFSP).
An organization that not only
helps those with suicidal tendencies, but also those who have lost someone to
suicide. Together with my favorite
store, Tobey Grey, we are hosting an event to raise money for her run. It will be a night of previewing and shopping
all the new spring merchandise, drinks, raffles, and bringing awareness to suicide. It’s time our community starts talking about
it so we can save more lives. I don’t
know if my father could have been saved, as he was a loving and unselfish man who was stubborn enough to not put his burden on anyone else, especially his children, but there are so
many people that can be saved knowing that help is out there. So let’s start talking!
Please join us next Thursday from 7-9pm at Tobey Grey in
Newton Center, MA (details below). Whether you want to shop for some new spring
clothes, have a drink, or just say hello, all are welcome. If you’re unable to attend but still want to
help, you can donate by purchasing a ticket for $26 (one dollar for every mile
Liza runs in the Boston Marathon) as the full ticket price goes to the AFSP.
{You can purchase tickets here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/sips-and-fashion-tips-boston-marathon-fundraiser-tickets-15948186455}
You can also read my sister, Liza Pauquette's, story here: https://www.crowdrise.com/AmericanSuicidePreventionBoston2015/fundraiser/lizapauquette
Everyday I'm healing from losing my father. The thing that will never heal is now knowing how much pain he was in, as it breaks my heart everyday. Lets help others heal from that pain. Hope to see you all there!
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